I can’t remember the last time I weighed myself. I find myself filled with fear in expectation of weighing an undesirable number - but then again, what number is desirable?
I cannot even tell if i have gained weight. I have no idea what I look like, what my size looks like or how large or how small I am compared to others…
really fucking smooth
you mention how my hair is shedding and looking thin
and then you say ‘oh and we need to go to the dentist’
for the first time in over two years of nearly endless purging… i examined my teeth.
the front of my teeth are nothing shocking, i can handle the appearance although they could be much whiter
but…the backside of my lower teeth is truly horrifying. yellow cores with deteriorated, decayed edges. the cracks between my teeth may not be noticed but they are definitely there and they are sharp.
although my purging has become less lately, only because i have not been eating, i wish i could stop for good
i wish that i could be happy with myself but it isn’t possible anymore. i have given up on that dream.. i will either not eat or hate myself, or eat and hate myself more. it’s like ‘nurturing your body and fucking hate yourself and probably relapse anyway’ or ‘do what you’re doing and look good but still hate yourself’
i hate the way that bones are accomplishments and a lesser physical sense of my existence makes me feel good.
i hate the drop of my heart when my size 0’s are a little tight. i hate it all.
i hate myself.